 |
| Chickadee Birdhouse |
 |
| Houses 2 families of Chickadees (1 on each side) |
I had this grand plan of getting up there in my studio and painting and drawing and creating, after I got it in order that is. Yep, that hasn't happened. The hubz has gone on this new shift and I hate it. It is week two for thirds and I don't know if I'll ever get used to this. I sit here in my robe for hours and don't accomplish much. I did start to go through a box of things of my mothers (that are smack dab right in the middle of said studio) and ran across a little ceramic perfume sprayer. Shalimar was my mom's signature scent and I knew better than to do what I did, but I couldn't stop myself. I knew what the pretty little container held. Smell, for me, is a powerful thing. I smelled it anyway and WhamOO! Instantly I was flung into another universe of time and memories flashed before me and I actually cried out loud in pain and wept and wept that night. It feels like it's all new again and I am disbelief that she is gone even though the second Christmas has gone by without her. I have never looked up the 7 stages of grief, even though I've meant to, I wonder if I've gone through them all yet?
Enough. I'm really trying not to wallow here. I feel like that new Speaker of the House John Boehner. I feel so sorry for that man. I totally understand his emotional candor. I too, where my heart on my sleeve and can cry at what seems like the most ridiculous things but I think what it comes down to is associations. I'm an empathizer for sure. I associate everything with everything. You know that 6 degrees thing? It seems like my mantra... haha Not really, but you get the idea. One thing or thought leads to another.
Posts
Jaime, oh, the laughs and the cried we could share in our robes together. I totally relate and I don't know, I think the seven stages is ppffftt. We are all different and even thought there is this "design" made by the majority of how we will react to anything {birth, death, love, hatred...whatever}...I think we all experience things in our own way, at our own amount of time.
ReplyDeleteI have NEVER in my life, fit a mold that someone said "this is how it goes". Not on purpose, but I'm just uniquely me, I guess...have always felt unlike the rest but am most okay with it for a good amount of the time :)
I go through the same up's and down's, memory lanes, wanting her back, keeping her close to heart and still happy to know where she is now.
More days than not, I feel like I'm a hamster in a ball...rolling through each day and even though I hold a strong, faith-trust, relationship with The Lord...I still feel the loss of my mom every day, but when I do as you did...cry out loud; I wail to The Lord, tell Him everything, even the ugly feelings about it all and the selfish ones, too....it's like a comfort to me, that feeling like He knew/knows that I feel this and hide it, like He unzipped my emotions for an amount of time, to release some pressure that I didn't even know was there.
I hope you find the days ahead to be wide open, full of light and inspiration, full of ideas and motivation, full of love and that the good memories will create joy, not sadness for you.
♥ to you, and hugs.
{{ouch}} forgive my wide array of errors...hooo - pretty sure you get all of the thoughts I was trying to convey. Sometimes, emotions run rampant over technical details :)
ReplyDeleteI lost my Daddy over 20 years ago and it still seems like it was yesterday. I associate smells with things too and whenever I smell Royal Copenhagen it reminds me of him and sometimes I cry. I have learned it's definitely ok to cry when you need to.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of Love,
LuLu~*xoxo
Jaime, my dear, you have a whole lifetime of memories with your Mom. Grieving is Loving.
ReplyDeleteTo think we should have an agenda on when we are supposed to "be over" our loved ones is silly. I personally think grieving takes a lifetime.
I remember my Mom sitting in the kitchen and sobbing uncontrollably every year on the Anni of her Mom's death. There is no shame in LOVING.
Sending you positive thoughts, T. :)
I felt kind of lost for a week or two - didn't want to do anything and didn't feel motivated. Maybe the snow and all that exercise reinvigorated me. I'm creating things and feeling in better spirits. Give it some time - it will pass and you'll feel better again. I love these little birdhouses - they don't need to be painted all fancy. Simple looks good - it highlights the nice workmanship of the house itself. :) Theresa
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you've been down in the dumps lately. I've been there a bit myself as of late. I'm sure it will soon pass tho.
ReplyDeleteI do adore the birdhouse, you and your husband make a great team.
Hope your feeling in better spirits soon.
*Hugs*
My heart aches for you right now. I think you are at one of those roller coaster lows and it will get easier to live with and accept, tho' that doesn't make NOW any better. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed in general and that doesn't help anything either! I don't know what else to say, except that she was such a big part of your life, it will take time to learn to live with the loss.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, get to your studio and just PAINT, it doesn't have to look nice or be pretty, just put your feelings on the paper, canvas or whatever- use it as a kind of therapy- maybe that will help.
BIG hugs and love to you,
Stephanie
P.S. I LOVE the birdhouse- chickadees are one of my favorites.