Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Blah blah blah

Blah. That's how I've been feeling lately. I never used to feel like I have SADD or any seasonal disorder but I'm starting to wonder now. I'm getting older and the winter season feels colder, longer and more depressing than ever. Being sick with cold after cold hasn't helped. Knowing there is no one to take care of you when you get sick is kinda depressing, too.

I have been pretty sick the last week. I've finally gotten my taste back and everything tastes pretty good. For some crazy reason though I still cannot smell too much. I keep getting whiffs here and there. I've ignored the litter box for a while now, partly because I don't smell it and partly cause I'm just lazy and tired. That one will come back to haunt me... haha

I can't remember the last time I've sat around or laid around doing nothing for so long. It all started early last week. I've not even felt like going up to the studio to create anything. In fact, as I've sat feeling sorry for myself, I've thought of quitting all together. What's the point, really? Why do I keep creating things that mostly go unnoticed or unwanted. Am I contributing anything viable to society by continuing?

I know this is one big pity party. Please forgive me for this. I rarely am like this. I got a phone call last week that I didn't know what to say to or how to react to. My biological father died. Now, we were estranged and to be honest we were not a part of each others lives. I'm okay and not really mourning or anything remotely close to feeling like I did with the loss of my mother. But something about it bothers me. Something about the thought of the two people that were responsible of putting me in this world are now gone. It is a very strange feeling indeed.

It makes me think about things of the past. My mind wonders a million miles a second it seems, darting this way and that. I think about how different things are for me now. My mother is gone, my dad I don't get to see too often. Grandparents who used to be so much a part of my life, no longer here. One is, just not with us in our state of mind, sadly. Alzhiemers. Aunts and uncles, no longer around. My childhood family has dwindled away.

Do you remember the way life was when you were a child? How get togethers and holidays were magical and fun, we felt invincible, full and happy and that life was great, exciting and easy. Then as you get older, people die... the magic fades. Life seems different, less fun, less together. Death changes everything. We get older. Death becomes more and more a part of life. How ironic.

I wonder how my son will feel about his childhood. Is he having the same feelings of fun and family and togetherness that I felt? I hope he does. I worry he doesn't.

People who have lots of other people in their lives like brothers and sisters may not feel this way. But as an only child who married an only child who has an only child, life can seem pretty lonely at times. I've always longed for a sibling. For most all my life, my mom was the one. The one I shared everything with, felt at one with. Now that's gone. Friends are there, but they have busy lives and family of their own. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. We don't live a conventional life shift wise around here. My son is at school, I don't have a job. My art business is pretty much a failure. Hell, I don't even feel like growing and selling my heirloom tomatoes this year.

I heard on the TV something about the most depressing day of the year was coming up. I wonder if it was the other day. There must be something to that. I'm ready for spring.

I'll now send you back to your regular programming... hahah and a less disturbing post coming soon, I promise. I choose to by happy. I hate feeling melancholy. Sometimes it's just easier to write all this down that flows through my brain than to try to tell it to someone. Thanks for being there.

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  1. Jamie--It's ok to feel the way you do. Everyone feels sad once in a while, and everyone gets sick. Lord knows I was sick for the better part of the holidays this year. You have to live every day to the fullest. Things can change in an instant. You have many talents and many, many gifts to bring to this world. Don't dwell on those who have passed on, they are always with you. This comes from someone who has lost a husband, both parents, and a child. Every time I think of all the bad things, I count how many blessings I have and realize that I am the luckiest woman in the world. I have a beautiful daughter, and wonderful husband and a family that may not be as close, but is still there. I think that maybe you being sick has drained your strength in body and mind. Take care and I hope you feel better soon! :-)

  2. Sorry to hear your feeling so down at the moment. Crystal is right, everyone feels like that sometime or other. Life can throw some very difficult things our way. Making us question everything. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it can help us clarify what is truly important. Try not to lose heart, and think about everything in your life that you are grateful for. That always helps me when I feel disheartened. Hugs always make me feel better too, so I'm sending one your way. Take care of yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

  3. I have sad days and sick days too, hang in there :) And just because you haven't made it yet doesn't mean your art business is a failure, just keep working at it! There's some great e-books on the side bar of my blog for creative businesses & one of them is really affordable. Maybe renewed inspiration for your business will pull you out of this slump. Good luck to you!

  4. I'm sorry to hear your feeling so blue =(
    Everyone here has great advice so I will just send some hugs your way. Hope you are feeling much better soon!

  5. Ditto to all of the above! Your body and soul are drained from being sick AND having a death in the family- that's never easy no matter how close you were or weren't! AS for the artist thing, I think sometimes we just have to keep creating for ourselves, and hope eventually someone will buy our work. I can't remember the last time someone bought one of my paintings, but it's been a while.....I've started painting OVER old canvases, not feeling justified to buy new ones- so know you're not alone there either!
    In the meantime, know that we all love you
    ((((((((Big cheer up-y hugs)))))))
    P.S. Have you gotten your new sketchbook yet? That always pulls me out of a creative funk, bc I know SOMEONE actually wants the art I'm doing in these :D
    P.P.S. Take vitamin D- I've heard it helps with SADD and depression- just sayin....

  6. Hi Jamie. Hope you got over being sick. It's just no fun being sick as it brings down your resistance. Sorry about your father. Okay, I will say that I know how you are feeling. Been there, done that. I've had my share of deaths in the family, including my son who I was just crying for yesterday and today I probably will again. As well for my father, my dog Chorizo and on and on. You know what though Jamie?, life is beautiful as are the wonderful tomatoes you grow to sell and your outstanding paintings that will sell at FAA eventually. Give it time. I've been with them since 2010 and just sold the first two last week. Just remember that when you are painting, you are putting your soul into it and you feel good about that and it's for those reason you really paint. That's why I paint. I know that my soul is in those paintings. Take a deep breath Jamie, close your eyes and thank God for your life. Honestly, you will be all right. It's good to be alive. Take care.

  7. Hey I had a few days of my own pity party and you know how I can relate to what you are saying when it comes to our moms. Losing my mom and dad has been the most unexplainable feeling ever and I too miss the fun childhood days. Even though I have a sister and brother, things got funny after losing our parents and it is not the same. Jaime don't think of yourself as a failure because you are such a creative person and a great Mom!!! I think about what my mom would say to me when I am down and it just helps to remember how our Moms were so supportive of us and we must carry that on for us and our kids. I hope you feel better and get over that cold and Spring is around the corner :)) Get out your paints and paint something bright and made me laugh at your tomatoes!!!! Hugs

  8. Hi Jamie! You are right, they said on the news that this is the MOST depressing time of the year. I kinda want to get under a warm blanket and just stay there. I hope you feel better. It is hard to have all these dang changes in life. Sometimes it is difficult to keep pulling up the old bootstraps. Hang in there, sweetie! Spring is coming! xox

  9. I've been offline a few weeks and just now trying to catch up. Please don't feel alone - many people (and pets) struggle this time of year. And yes, the 3rd Monday of the year is supposedly the most depressing day of the year. I'm not sure why, but it's over now and better days are ahead. Happy 2012!

  10. btw, your photo on this post is beautiful - very moody, in a peaceful, soothing way...

  11. I hope you see this message because I'm a few days behind in my blog surfing. Our lives are so much the same on so many levels! I'm an only child married to an only child with no children. You are so right about there being so much joy with parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. when you are younger. No one really impressed on me that all that will change with age and death. Now, on holidays, my husband and I don't really do much celebrating because we don't have our parents, etc. Jon doesn't have any close relatives and I have two very elderly aunts still living. My cousins that I was so close to growing up have large families and I'm not much on their radar screens anymore. We do feel very alone except for caring friends. When you are sick, it gets worse. I hate being sick "alone". Jon and I take care of each other, but nothing replaces a parent when you are really ill and scared and need comforting. I was fortunate to have my parents longer than you did, but you are so fortunate to have a child, a legacy, to nurture and plan a future for. Hope you are feeling better and please remember.....there are folks like me that you have never met that care about you and wish you happiness and peace.

  12. Even when you are so down you have posted a beautiful photo.This goes to show that once you're an artist,you will always be an artist.Did Van Gogh stop painting !! In every artist there is a compulsion to create,and its that very act of creation that feeds our souls.Anything else is a bonus.
    Keep your spirits up Jaime,life will get better.I wish you health and happiness.


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