Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Blah blah blah
Blah. That's how I've been feeling lately. I never used to feel like I have SADD or any seasonal disorder but I'm starting to wonder now. I'm getting older and the winter season feels colder, longer and more depressing than ever. Being sick with cold after cold hasn't helped. Knowing there is no one to take care of you when you get sick is kinda depressing, too.
I have been pretty sick the last week. I've finally gotten my taste back and everything tastes pretty good. For some crazy reason though I still cannot smell too much. I keep getting whiffs here and there. I've ignored the litter box for a while now, partly because I don't smell it and partly cause I'm just lazy and tired. That one will come back to haunt me... haha
I can't remember the last time I've sat around or laid around doing nothing for so long. It all started early last week. I've not even felt like going up to the studio to create anything. In fact, as I've sat feeling sorry for myself, I've thought of quitting all together. What's the point, really? Why do I keep creating things that mostly go unnoticed or unwanted. Am I contributing anything viable to society by continuing?
I know this is one big pity party. Please forgive me for this. I rarely am like this. I got a phone call last week that I didn't know what to say to or how to react to. My biological father died. Now, we were estranged and to be honest we were not a part of each others lives. I'm okay and not really mourning or anything remotely close to feeling like I did with the loss of my mother. But something about it bothers me. Something about the thought of the two people that were responsible of putting me in this world are now gone. It is a very strange feeling indeed.
It makes me think about things of the past. My mind wonders a million miles a second it seems, darting this way and that. I think about how different things are for me now. My mother is gone, my dad I don't get to see too often. Grandparents who used to be so much a part of my life, no longer here. One is, just not with us in our state of mind, sadly. Alzhiemers. Aunts and uncles, no longer around. My childhood family has dwindled away.
Do you remember the way life was when you were a child? How get togethers and holidays were magical and fun, we felt invincible, full and happy and that life was great, exciting and easy. Then as you get older, people die... the magic fades. Life seems different, less fun, less together. Death changes everything. We get older. Death becomes more and more a part of life. How ironic.
I wonder how my son will feel about his childhood. Is he having the same feelings of fun and family and togetherness that I felt? I hope he does. I worry he doesn't.
People who have lots of other people in their lives like brothers and sisters may not feel this way. But as an only child who married an only child who has an only child, life can seem pretty lonely at times. I've always longed for a sibling. For most all my life, my mom was the one. The one I shared everything with, felt at one with. Now that's gone. Friends are there, but they have busy lives and family of their own. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. We don't live a conventional life shift wise around here. My son is at school, I don't have a job. My art business is pretty much a failure. Hell, I don't even feel like growing and selling my heirloom tomatoes this year.
I heard on the TV something about the most depressing day of the year was coming up. I wonder if it was the other day. There must be something to that. I'm ready for spring.
I'll now send you back to your regular programming... hahah and a less disturbing post coming soon, I promise. I choose to by happy. I hate feeling melancholy. Sometimes it's just easier to write all this down that flows through my brain than to try to tell it to someone. Thanks for being there.