Since I'm back from Florida and having missed a whole week of being with my mom and helping my dad out, I'm feeling quite guilty. I've gotten back into my schedule of being there with Mom everyday now in the afternoons from about 2:30 til 8 or so. She really can't be by herself now. Somedays are better than others. She is having a hard time walking. She can't pick up her feet so she shuffles along with a cane if at all. I was looking at some pictures taken just 2 months ago and I'm amazed at what the cancer and steroids have done to her. The steroids have given her a moon face and there are days that I don't "see or hear" my mom at all. Like she isn't there. The tumors in her brain make her forget quickly and stay confused most of the time. So much so, that somedays she makes my 93 year old grandma seem better off. Which really she is. But sometimes a sparkle comes back in her eyes and we laugh. Cancer is so cruel.
I don't write about my mom's cancer much, I sometimes act as if nothing is wrong, but I guess I'm coming to terms that my life has to change right now. I am needed and will give as much as I can. I don't want for her to be alone, I want to be with her. It is hard to accept what is going on and all the while, life around us goes on. People get cancer and die everyday. Constant reminders. While I was in Florida, I learned that Patrick Swayze succumbed from cancer. Even my birth father has it right now. Stage 4 colon cancer. We are estranged, but it makes me wonder what my future and my sons future holds. Everyday I hear of people having cancer or dying from it and I feel that eventually we all will get it. It will just depend on if you catch it in time or maybe it just comes down to genes or chance or fate or whatever you want to call it. It is easy to feel defeated, like what's the point? But I have hope still. Some days more than others. I still pray everyday for a miracle. That's all I can do. Please join me.
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