Two years today

Two years. Wow, two years have gone by since my mother died of cancer. Two years ago I thought how can I possibly go on without my dear mother? My mother who was my best friend, and the person who knew me better than anyone. My mother, who loved me more than anyone ever would in my life. My mother, whom I was joined at the heart with. A lot goes on in two years that she has missed, that we have missed with her. Life just keeps on going even though she isn't living right along with us. How can life possibly still go on? Yet it does.

Somehow though, I choose to be happy. I could so easily have sunk into my misery and still be there. Not that I don't dip down into that deep dark abyss that is grief. I do it often. I just don't stay there. I choose to be happy. Not happy that she's gone of course, but happy to be alive and enjoy the things that she enjoyed.  I got my optimism from her. I smile to myself when I see, hear, smell and taste things that remind me of her and in an instant I'm taken back to a time with her. There is not a day I don't run through my mind my memories of her, usually many times a day. In fact, most of my days consist of thinking to myself what I think my mother would be saying in whatever situation I am in.

I choose to be happy because my faith takes me there. I do think some people are happier people by nature, kinda the glass is half full thing. But I also believe you can fight your urge to be negative and put yourself in a happier frame of mind and be around happy people and surround yourself with things that you know make you happy. Even if that happiness requires a pill... take it. Accept it. Pride or stubbornness only stands in your way most of the time. It's so much easier to be happy... I'm not saying you have to be a happy idiot, but  just try it. Just smile, it starts you off in the right direction... Laugh and your practically there.

As I am writing this, the wind is blowing and my wind chimes are happily singing. Along with many I have bought, I have a set of chimes that were my mothers and I cherish them. I like to think that is my mom speaking to me from heaven through the chiming sounds.

So today while I've already shed many tears, I choose to be happy. Can you?

Steve Jobs, visionary

So many people today are remembering and celebrating the life of Steve Jobs, the creative genius behind Apple, including me. My very first computer that I bought was an Apple Macintosh. It was 1995 and it looked like a pizza box. I was so thrilled to have it as I had been using nothing but Apple in college. I first worked on an Apple SE and I think it had like a 40 mb hard drive, a little black and white screen. I've now got an imac and a MacBook and still wouldn't want any other computer other than a Mac. I've not kept up with technology other than that but if I had the money, I'd have an iphone, ipad and an ipod and all things Apple.

It is sad to lose such an innovative mind in his prime. Imagine what was to come! It's also sad that in is this day and age that cancer is still winning. Strangely enough, I was talking to my dad on the phone when I looked up at the TV and saw that Steve Jobs had died, just as my dad informed me that his brother and my Uncle found out he has lung cancer. His biopsy was today, so fingers crossed and prayers said. This month marks 2 years for my mother dying of melanoma cancer... hard to believe but still as fresh as yesterday. I worry about my uncle, I worry about my dad. Cancer still seems like a death sentence to me and chips away at the souls of the family.

We are so lucky to be living in such exciting times technology wise. Just think about how much Steve Jobs have contributed to our lives. Made our lives better, easier and just more fun. What an amazing man and such an inspiration. How fortunate for our world to have had him. What a legacy he has left, a legacy that I am grateful for. Truly he was a great man. Thank you Steve Jobs...

Wednesday is for whinning

Since I'm back from Florida and having missed a whole week of being with my mom and helping my dad out, I'm feeling quite guilty. I've gotten back into my schedule of being there with Mom everyday now in the afternoons from about 2:30 til 8 or so. She really can't be by herself now. Somedays are better than others. She is having a hard time walking. She can't pick up her feet so she shuffles along with a cane if at all. I was looking at some pictures taken just 2 months ago and I'm amazed at what the cancer and steroids have done to her. The steroids have given her a moon face and there are days that I don't "see or hear" my mom at all. Like she isn't there. The tumors in her brain make her forget quickly and stay confused most of the time. So much so, that somedays she makes my 93 year old grandma seem better off. Which really she is. But sometimes a sparkle comes back in her eyes and we laugh. Cancer is so cruel.

I don't write about my mom's cancer much, I sometimes act as if nothing is wrong, but I guess I'm coming to terms that my life has to change right now. I am needed and will give as much as I can. I don't want for her to be alone, I want to be with her. It is hard to accept what is going on and all the while, life around us goes on. People get cancer and die everyday. Constant reminders. While I was in Florida, I learned that Patrick Swayze succumbed from cancer. Even my birth father has it right now. Stage 4 colon cancer. We are estranged, but it makes me wonder what my future and my sons future holds. Everyday I hear of people having cancer or dying from it and I feel that eventually we all will get it. It will just depend on if you catch it in time or maybe it just comes down to genes or chance or fate or whatever you want to call it. It is easy to feel defeated, like what's the point? But I have hope still. Some days more than others. I still pray everyday for a miracle. That's all I can do. Please join me.

Cancer is a real monkey wrench

I have not blogged since I found out my mom has cancer on July 1st. I'm trying to settle into keeping 2 households going and it's tuff. Needless to say, I don't have much time for creating any art. 

We are staying upbeat and have our faith. I believe in healing prayer and that God can heal her. We are doing a lot of praying these days. I feel like I'm getting a petition going to send to God to heal her! ha ha.... But God is merciful and only he knows when it is time to go home.

Please pray for my beautiful mother along with me. She is just 64 and has a lot of living left to do!