Memories of the Zinnia

Today has been my mom's birthday. She would've been 67. I was just telling a friend that I've gotten out of the I can't believe it stage and moved more into a numb, thick and alone in my thoughts of her stage. For those who don't know, she died of cancer in October 2009. Read about her here.

Zinnia's were one of her most favorite flowers. Every year she would have her seeds that she would've saved from the previous year and some she couldn't resist and bought at the stores. She would procrastinate or lose them (the nut didn't fall too far from the tree on that one) and it could be as late as August and she would still plant them. I would tease her and tell her they wouldn't even bloom for a couple months and she would smile and say laughing "so I'll have flowers at Halloween!" I miss her optimism. I just miss her.

So every year I plant zinnia's for Mom. I have more zinnia's but I didn't get any good pictures of them. So many things I do I still think to myself, Mom like's that or Mom would do it this way. I still imagine her voice in my head talking to me, answering my questions.

So this is for Mom... I love you Mom.

Two years today

Two years. Wow, two years have gone by since my mother died of cancer. Two years ago I thought how can I possibly go on without my dear mother? My mother who was my best friend, and the person who knew me better than anyone. My mother, who loved me more than anyone ever would in my life. My mother, whom I was joined at the heart with. A lot goes on in two years that she has missed, that we have missed with her. Life just keeps on going even though she isn't living right along with us. How can life possibly still go on? Yet it does.

Somehow though, I choose to be happy. I could so easily have sunk into my misery and still be there. Not that I don't dip down into that deep dark abyss that is grief. I do it often. I just don't stay there. I choose to be happy. Not happy that she's gone of course, but happy to be alive and enjoy the things that she enjoyed.  I got my optimism from her. I smile to myself when I see, hear, smell and taste things that remind me of her and in an instant I'm taken back to a time with her. There is not a day I don't run through my mind my memories of her, usually many times a day. In fact, most of my days consist of thinking to myself what I think my mother would be saying in whatever situation I am in.

I choose to be happy because my faith takes me there. I do think some people are happier people by nature, kinda the glass is half full thing. But I also believe you can fight your urge to be negative and put yourself in a happier frame of mind and be around happy people and surround yourself with things that you know make you happy. Even if that happiness requires a pill... take it. Accept it. Pride or stubbornness only stands in your way most of the time. It's so much easier to be happy... I'm not saying you have to be a happy idiot, but  just try it. Just smile, it starts you off in the right direction... Laugh and your practically there.

As I am writing this, the wind is blowing and my wind chimes are happily singing. Along with many I have bought, I have a set of chimes that were my mothers and I cherish them. I like to think that is my mom speaking to me from heaven through the chiming sounds.

So today while I've already shed many tears, I choose to be happy. Can you?

Bad Blogger, baaaaaadd

Chickadee Birdhouse

Houses 2 families of Chickadees (1 on each side)

I just haven't been motivated to blog lately. I have been in some roller coaster moods lately. I started out this year rather melancholy and I can't seem to shake it. Just when I think I'm coming around the bend and seeing some light again... BAM. Maybe I've just been acting like I'm coming around, who knows. I haven't done any art in a while other than paint this bird house for my husband. It's not exactly Monet, more like paint by numbers. He's a woodworker and made this from scratch for his mother for Christmas. He made two and this is the second one for a friend of his.

I had this grand plan of getting up there in my studio and painting and drawing and creating, after I got it in order that is. Yep, that hasn't happened. The hubz has gone on this new shift and I hate it. It is week two for thirds and I don't know if I'll ever get used to this. I sit here in my robe for hours and don't accomplish much. I did start to go through a box of things of my mothers (that are smack dab right in the middle of said studio) and ran across a little ceramic perfume sprayer. Shalimar was my mom's signature scent and I knew better than to do what I did, but I couldn't stop myself. I knew what the pretty little container held. Smell, for me, is a powerful thing. I smelled it anyway and WhamOO! Instantly I was flung into another universe of time and memories flashed before me and I actually cried out loud in pain and wept and wept that night. It feels like it's all new again and I am disbelief that she is gone even though the second Christmas has gone by without her. I have never looked up the 7 stages of grief, even though I've meant to, I wonder if I've gone through them all yet?

Enough. I'm really trying not to wallow here. I feel like that new Speaker of the House John Boehner. I feel so sorry for that man. I totally understand his emotional candor. I too, where my heart on my sleeve and can cry at what seems like the most ridiculous things but I think what it comes down to is associations. I'm an empathizer for sure. I associate everything with everything. You know that 6 degrees thing? It seems like my mantra... haha   Not really, but you get the idea. One thing or thought leads to another.

Keeping busy with craft show stocking stuffers

Future magnets

I've been busy getting some last minute projects done for the craft show this Saturday. I haven't had much luck lately at the shows, so I'm trying to get together some inexpensive items for stocking stuffers in hopes of generating a little more interest. I'm kinda disgusted with the whole arts and crafts show scene as of late so I hope this one will be better and not a waste of time.

So above here I've got some of my previous designs with GeeJayCreations and I've shrunk them down and tweaked a little here and there and cut out some of the poetry and in some cases added very simple words, such as Love and Look to God. I've laminated the front and will plunk a magnet on the back and was thinking $2 each. Any thoughts on the price?

Below here is my mini pot project I've told you about. They are different than my painted pots that I've done in the past because I'm decoupaging these. I may be sand blasting them and redoing them if the beginning ones are as good as they get. As I was telling Stephanie of Dragonfly Design Studios, these are not turning out quite like I imagined them in my head. Usually most things don't turn out like I envisioned it, but these are kinda... *eek* I'll ask your opinion. Decoupage may not be my forte. I got the idea from my new friend Frenchy of Le Chateau des fleurs by Frenchy. She had a beautiful one and I had visions of sugar plums in my head... well you get the idea. I'm not exactly getting sugar plums.


Of course, I'm getting my fantastic graphics from Karen at the Graphics Fairy, and they don't disappoint. 

So I got this box of mini terra cotta pots from my local yahoo group, cheapcycle. If you haven't checked to see if you've got one in your area, you are missing out! These are great. I think it was inspired by freecycle.

Got em for a song

So they needed a little scrubbing and voila! I've got instant toothpick holders or Q-tips holders, candle votives.. you name it. Anyone have any other ideas of what to put in them for selling purposes?

I've painted some here, rustically and I really like the way they turned out. Not all perfect looking, but I like it that way.

Cute little Thanksgiving paper to add for a toothpick holder

It will go, like so. See the blue underpainting? I like the rustic/aged look

A horrible mistake below here. I tried painting on the small picture to add color. yuck.

Yikes!

The colors are not showing up very well, but it was not what I had in mind.

The next picture is one I did about midnight and I was thinking it would look cute to have a "burnished" look behind the rooster and chickens. Well, as I look at it, it's more like what was I thinking? But I kinda like the patchwork patches along the rim. Any ideas on salvaging this one?

Very country, but that is what a lot of craft goers buy around here. I kinda like it, but I like roosters and chicks.

This last one might be the best one so far. I have kinda gotten into the French look lately, especially with my curtains coming in soon (I can't wait!!!). So I think it's simple, but the black and bits of gold shining through make it rustic but elegant. Anyway, I like it.

Would look cute in a Paris themed bathroom?

One problem I've ran into is I didn't take into account the curvature of the pot. So now I have this smiley face syndrome going on and the bigger the label, the bigger the problem. It's not too bad on these small labels. Does anyone know how to remedy this? I know I could just play around with it to guess the right distortion, but if someone knows the easy and fast way to do it, I'm all ears.

I was thinking of asking $5 each for these. Any thoughts? Also, if you're a seasoned decoupager or just have some better ideas than I've done here, please tell me. I'm all for ideas but I'm running out of time for my show so I just haven't had time to research it and look for more ideas. Please, share your thoughts! :)

Also, thank you all so much for your concern for my son, Asher. I've had wonderful messages and comments from you all... my friends. They mean the world to me and bring me much comfort. I've really been missing my mom lately (like there are days I don't miss her, jeesh!). I guess I've been looking for comfort and her words to let me know everything is going to be fine and it will all work out, just like I know she would tell me. All of you have in some way have filled her shoes with your encouragement and I cherish my friendships I've made on here. Thank you all, you have no idea how touched I am that you all care.

One year ago today

my angel now

One year ago today, my life ceased to exist as I knew it. One year ago today I lost my best friend, my confidante, my shoulder to cry, the one to laugh and remember with. One year ago today I lost my mother. One year ago today part of me died with her and it will never be back.

I'd like to say to the tears are not as frequent, but I'd be lying. So today I think of her and silently say a prayer and make a secret wish that God would let her return for just a moment to let me see her sweet face again and once more hear her voice and her arms around me... but it hasn't happened.

One year ago today I lost my mother to cancer and I will never be the same.

Kissy kissy and aha moments

Here's a little magnet I made with a cute phrase by Gale. It is 3 inches by 3 inches. It turned out pretty cute, I may make a bookmark with it and maybe a greeting card... who knows.

I'm rather disillusioned with the whole art show/craft show scene. I have a craft show this Saturday and I'm ready to bail. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure I'm not going now. I feel like we're beating a dead horse here...  I don't know if it's the economy or just the general lack of interest but we (my partner and I) are tired of putting so much into our pieces and just not getting anything out of it, including sales. She's busy, I'm busy and nothing is getting my full attention.

It's a little bit of a relief to say it out loud and liberating. When it starts to feel like a burden, I guess it's just not right. I'll still keep my Artfire and Etsy shop going, and maybe even continue to add items but the shows are just not a viable way for us to sell it seems. I hope to concentrate on my son and spending more time with him as I know these precious years are fleeting. I don't want him to think that Mommy is always on the "puter" and not making things or spending time with him, so I'm going to make a change.

I still plan to blog, as this is an outlet for me and I've made such wonderful friendships with a lot of you. I really enjoy reading your blogs as well. And who knows, this may change in a year or so, I'm rather emotional at the moment so I can't seem to keep my mind made up but my soul feels lighter now that I've decided this and I don't like feeling yucky and not good enough.

So please, keep coming around... you guys are my only cheerleaders since I've lost my mother. Speaking of which the 20th of this month is the one year mark.

*long breath*

a long and lonely year. I miss her terribly and wonder will this pit in my stomach and tears running down my cheeks ever stop?

Fantasy Montage

Today I created this montage with various photos I've taken and some Photoshop magic. I categorize this as a "fantasy montage". I call this one Death Angel. I seem to be a little better at this than painting, it must be my graphics background. But I'm not giving up on the painting thing, so watch out for your eyes, it may still be painful.

For those of you waiting for snow from this big storm hitting the east coast tonight... stay warm and safe. It's just supposed to rain mostly here.

I buried my Beloved Mother today

I buried my mom today. I feel so much heartache and sorrow, but also kind of a let down... the kind you get after being so busy your head was spinning to having not much of anything to do.

We made arrangements on Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday I can't remember what I did... oh wait, yes I searched for the things I needed to take to the funeral home like a dress and the obituary that I wrote and mad searches for pictures, Thursday I did my mom's makeup, hair and nails (Yes, I did that, how could I not? it was the last thing I could do for her. To make her beautiful again for her tribute. not that it was hard, she was a beautiful woman) and put on her jewelry that she wanted and set up the room with gobs and gobs of pictures of her and the family over the years.

Today, Friday, we had both the visitation, service and burial. I'm a little pooped, but also feel like what now? I feel a huge void now that I have nothing to do for my mom, no feeding her, no giving her backrubs, no laughing together, no telling her I love her and looking into her eyes and seeing that she loved me back. And now, no planning her funeral because it is done, it is over, she is gone.

I'm also one of those freaks that takes pictures at a funeral, so sorry if it freaks you out. It's part of how I cope.

I feel a huge void that I cannot pick up the phone and hear her voice. just a huge void. emptiness. loneliness. a feeling that life has changed and will never be quite as joyous or fun as it was. like a piece of me is missing. A sorrow that my son will not get to live his life with her in it. A sorrow that she is no longer in mine, in body at least. She knows all the answers now. I am comforted though that I know she is in heaven. That I will see her again, but my mind and body is selfish and I want her here with me now. Not sick, but like she was a year ago.

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her funny expressions and happy eyes. Her hugs and love. I miss her.