Memories of the Zinnia

Today has been my mom's birthday. She would've been 67. I was just telling a friend that I've gotten out of the I can't believe it stage and moved more into a numb, thick and alone in my thoughts of her stage. For those who don't know, she died of cancer in October 2009. Read about her here.

Zinnia's were one of her most favorite flowers. Every year she would have her seeds that she would've saved from the previous year and some she couldn't resist and bought at the stores. She would procrastinate or lose them (the nut didn't fall too far from the tree on that one) and it could be as late as August and she would still plant them. I would tease her and tell her they wouldn't even bloom for a couple months and she would smile and say laughing "so I'll have flowers at Halloween!" I miss her optimism. I just miss her.

So every year I plant zinnia's for Mom. I have more zinnia's but I didn't get any good pictures of them. So many things I do I still think to myself, Mom like's that or Mom would do it this way. I still imagine her voice in my head talking to me, answering my questions.

So this is for Mom... I love you Mom.

Two years today

Two years. Wow, two years have gone by since my mother died of cancer. Two years ago I thought how can I possibly go on without my dear mother? My mother who was my best friend, and the person who knew me better than anyone. My mother, who loved me more than anyone ever would in my life. My mother, whom I was joined at the heart with. A lot goes on in two years that she has missed, that we have missed with her. Life just keeps on going even though she isn't living right along with us. How can life possibly still go on? Yet it does.

Somehow though, I choose to be happy. I could so easily have sunk into my misery and still be there. Not that I don't dip down into that deep dark abyss that is grief. I do it often. I just don't stay there. I choose to be happy. Not happy that she's gone of course, but happy to be alive and enjoy the things that she enjoyed.  I got my optimism from her. I smile to myself when I see, hear, smell and taste things that remind me of her and in an instant I'm taken back to a time with her. There is not a day I don't run through my mind my memories of her, usually many times a day. In fact, most of my days consist of thinking to myself what I think my mother would be saying in whatever situation I am in.

I choose to be happy because my faith takes me there. I do think some people are happier people by nature, kinda the glass is half full thing. But I also believe you can fight your urge to be negative and put yourself in a happier frame of mind and be around happy people and surround yourself with things that you know make you happy. Even if that happiness requires a pill... take it. Accept it. Pride or stubbornness only stands in your way most of the time. It's so much easier to be happy... I'm not saying you have to be a happy idiot, but  just try it. Just smile, it starts you off in the right direction... Laugh and your practically there.

As I am writing this, the wind is blowing and my wind chimes are happily singing. Along with many I have bought, I have a set of chimes that were my mothers and I cherish them. I like to think that is my mom speaking to me from heaven through the chiming sounds.

So today while I've already shed many tears, I choose to be happy. Can you?

Mom's Birthday

My Mother's birthday is today. I miss her so much, it still hurts so deeply. I still am in disbelief.

This is one of my most favorite pictures of us together. It was a spontaneous decision to get our picture made, because we were there just to get Ashers 3 month picture made. I am so glad I have this. This is August of 2006. We were laughing and having a great time, we were soooo close. Isn't she beautiful?

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you.