Two years today

Two years. Wow, two years have gone by since my mother died of cancer. Two years ago I thought how can I possibly go on without my dear mother? My mother who was my best friend, and the person who knew me better than anyone. My mother, who loved me more than anyone ever would in my life. My mother, whom I was joined at the heart with. A lot goes on in two years that she has missed, that we have missed with her. Life just keeps on going even though she isn't living right along with us. How can life possibly still go on? Yet it does.

Somehow though, I choose to be happy. I could so easily have sunk into my misery and still be there. Not that I don't dip down into that deep dark abyss that is grief. I do it often. I just don't stay there. I choose to be happy. Not happy that she's gone of course, but happy to be alive and enjoy the things that she enjoyed.  I got my optimism from her. I smile to myself when I see, hear, smell and taste things that remind me of her and in an instant I'm taken back to a time with her. There is not a day I don't run through my mind my memories of her, usually many times a day. In fact, most of my days consist of thinking to myself what I think my mother would be saying in whatever situation I am in.

I choose to be happy because my faith takes me there. I do think some people are happier people by nature, kinda the glass is half full thing. But I also believe you can fight your urge to be negative and put yourself in a happier frame of mind and be around happy people and surround yourself with things that you know make you happy. Even if that happiness requires a pill... take it. Accept it. Pride or stubbornness only stands in your way most of the time. It's so much easier to be happy... I'm not saying you have to be a happy idiot, but  just try it. Just smile, it starts you off in the right direction... Laugh and your practically there.

As I am writing this, the wind is blowing and my wind chimes are happily singing. Along with many I have bought, I have a set of chimes that were my mothers and I cherish them. I like to think that is my mom speaking to me from heaven through the chiming sounds.

So today while I've already shed many tears, I choose to be happy. Can you?

FYI - cancer is the devil

Just so everyone knows the reason why I am not keeping up with my blog at this time is my mom is in the last stages of melanoma cancer. I along with my dad are taking care of her in the family home. This last week has been very trying. I am an only child and to say that Mom and me are close is an extreme understatement. I am struggling with not only the loss of my mom, but my best friend, my confidant, my biggest fan, my motivator, my teacher... the list goes on and on.

This aggressive cancer is stealing a piece of my heart a little each day. Tonight I thought I lost her. While in my arms, she had a seizure which wasn't like the others she had in July while in the hospital when she was first diagnosed. She went straight as a board, her eyes rolled back and looked vacantly upwards and she was not responsive to my words crying for "Mom" while I stroked her face and hair. She even stopped breathing for a few moments. I yelled for my dad and he came running upstairs and we were able to get her back in bed and she promptly fell asleep, exhausted from the episode. She later was able to open her eyes and moan a little when

You see, she has tumors all over her body now but most noticeably in her brain. It has robbed her of herself. Taken her from us. She is there... but not there. Coming in and out occasionally. Restless to the point of exhaustion, called "terminal restlessness". Which if you have never witnessed, I hope you never do. Thankfully she is not in pain. But the restlessness is a different kind of pain. A never ending relentless agony that is sometimes relieved for a short time by drugs like Ativan. But tonight, after the seizure, not even the Ativan is helping. We need something else, besides a miracle. That something else turns out to be Morphine. Delivered to the house in approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes and counting. I hope it will give her rest.

So now, here I wait, writing this, for my phone to ring with news... bad or good.

My phone just rang.. my dad freaking out a bit and telling me the nurse is on the way. She is laying on her belly and trying to go face first in the pillow and is now coughing up a bit of blood. This may be the peace that she is looking for and my gut clenches up with pain thinking of. I'm on my way.