another day, another kit kat

Today was just beautiful. It was almost like late summer here besides those pesky lady beetles buzzing around everywhere. Temperatures are so nice that the hubs rode his motorcycle into work today. Sounds of birds chirping, Asher laughing, tractors and combines in the distance working hard. Still, sadness has a way of creeping in and casting a shadow on everything even as the sun shines brightly and a gentle wind kisses my neck.

I cannot seem to make myself do much of anything besides mundane everyday tasks like cook and clean up. And I'm not doing a great job of those. I have a bunch of new ideas for some new creations to create but don't feel much like making the effort. Sleeping sounds like the best idea that I can come up with. Do you ever feel like if you could just go back in time and change a few things that life might be a little bit better right now? It seems like I should be able to control what's going on and make changes, but I can't. Like waking up from a nightmare.

I have tried to update the way my blog looks. I took down the Halloween stuff and tried to add a little Fall stuff. I'm not really happy with my blog, but I'm not smart enough to make it the way I want it to look. I haven't found any templates that I'm just crazy about either. Has anybody found some great looking templates?

Mean Green Halloween

Asher was a "Green Monster" for Halloween this year. He's been telling everyone for 2 months that's what he was going to be, since green is his favorite color after all. As I was trying to apply his green makeup to his squirming furry self (the day of) he told me "I don't want to be green today" wah! Through gritted teeth I growled at him "too bad, mommy spent all this time making this green costume and you're wearing it whether you want to or not!" so some of the pictures are of him pouting. The child cannot bear for me to be mad at him, so he chased me down soon after wanting to make up and needing a hug and kiss and of course getting green and black makeup all over my newly washed jeans.

I have to admit he, he tore the costume before Daddy even got to see him. Which was like 5 minutes after he had it on and I got out a stapler to fix it. By the end of the trick or treating night, it was in sad shape.

We are those people that you hate that drive to your neighborhood and get out to trick or treat :) As we live in the boondocks, there are just not enough houses to justify walking half a mile to each one. Good thing too, cause even though Asher understood the whole trick or treating thing this year, and didn't walk in people's houses, he still pooped out way too early and made Daddy carry him back to the starting point. When I was a kid, I literally walked for hours and hours. My mom sold Avon back in the 1970's and I would go with her on her route and hit paydirt. Then I would do our neighborhood and beyond! I got so much candy I had it for months it seemed. I remember my mom and dad "checking the candy" and bringing it back to me short of all the good candy bars. I caught on to that pretty quick.

Well, I hate it that Halloween is over and I didn't even dress up this year. But next year will be different. I'm already counting down.

Happy Halloween!!

This video is from 2 years ago when Asher was one and a half. Happy Halloween everyone and make it a fun and safe one. Give out good treats so you won't get any tricks...

Garden of the Gods Sunday

Sunday in our area was just spectacular. If it weren't for those annoying little lady beetles that flock to you, I'd say it was perfect. My husband thought it would be a good day to drive around and see the fall leaves which are about peak here. I agreed it would be nice to escape for little while from all the sadness I've been feeling. So we went about 2 hours southwest of us to Southern Illinois to Garden of the Gods in The Shawnee National Forest. It's really kinda strange the way the land goes from being pretty flat to hilly to these cliffs. If you didn't know the park was there, you would pass it by because there is nothing from the highway to indicate what is beyond the small hills. We took Hwy 1 to get there. Passed the Old Slave House (which is now closed to the public). Then turned on Pounds Hollow Rd to get there.

It was not our first trip to the rocks, but the first time to see the leaves like this. The first time Daryl took me there, we took a picnic (we were romantic way back then) and ate on the many large boulders that abound. After we had been hiking around a bit I finally asked him "who painted all these rocks?" Well, he got a real hoot out of that. Turns out these rocks had moss growing on them. Not any kind of moss this then city girl had ever seen. He later told me he thought to himself that day "well she's not real smart, but she's pretty to look at". Hmmpf.

Anyway, a whole lot of other people thought it would be a great day to see it, too. It was as crowded as I had ever seen it. They used to let you propel off the rocks, but so many people have died or got hurt there that now it is not allowed. I just read in the paper maybe a month ago a woman fell to her death there.

After the short visit to Garden of the Gods, we got back on Hwy 1 and headed to the ferry. We were actually on a trip to Daryl's mom's house in Paducah, KY and took a couple bypasses on the way. We stopped at the Cave-in-Rock State Park before we took the ferry to Kentucky. I'll post about that tomorrow. Enjoy the pictures.

I buried my Beloved Mother today

I buried my mom today. I feel so much heartache and sorrow, but also kind of a let down... the kind you get after being so busy your head was spinning to having not much of anything to do.

We made arrangements on Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday I can't remember what I did... oh wait, yes I searched for the things I needed to take to the funeral home like a dress and the obituary that I wrote and mad searches for pictures, Thursday I did my mom's makeup, hair and nails (Yes, I did that, how could I not? it was the last thing I could do for her. To make her beautiful again for her tribute. not that it was hard, she was a beautiful woman) and put on her jewelry that she wanted and set up the room with gobs and gobs of pictures of her and the family over the years.

Today, Friday, we had both the visitation, service and burial. I'm a little pooped, but also feel like what now? I feel a huge void now that I have nothing to do for my mom, no feeding her, no giving her backrubs, no laughing together, no telling her I love her and looking into her eyes and seeing that she loved me back. And now, no planning her funeral because it is done, it is over, she is gone.

I'm also one of those freaks that takes pictures at a funeral, so sorry if it freaks you out. It's part of how I cope.

I feel a huge void that I cannot pick up the phone and hear her voice. just a huge void. emptiness. loneliness. a feeling that life has changed and will never be quite as joyous or fun as it was. like a piece of me is missing. A sorrow that my son will not get to live his life with her in it. A sorrow that she is no longer in mine, in body at least. She knows all the answers now. I am comforted though that I know she is in heaven. That I will see her again, but my mind and body is selfish and I want her here with me now. Not sick, but like she was a year ago.

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her funny expressions and happy eyes. Her hugs and love. I miss her.