I buried my mom today. I feel so much heartache and sorrow, but also kind of a let down... the kind you get after being so busy your head was spinning to having not much of anything to do.
We made arrangements on Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday I can't remember what I did... oh wait, yes I searched for the things I needed to take to the funeral home like a dress and the obituary that I wrote and mad searches for pictures, Thursday I did my mom's makeup, hair and nails (Yes, I did that, how could I not? it was the last thing I could do for her. To make her beautiful again for her tribute. not that it was hard, she was a beautiful woman) and put on her jewelry that she wanted and set up the room with gobs and gobs of pictures of her and the family over the years.
Today, Friday, we had both the visitation, service and burial. I'm a little pooped, but also feel like what now? I feel a huge void now that I have nothing to do for my mom, no feeding her, no giving her backrubs, no laughing together, no telling her I love her and looking into her eyes and seeing that she loved me back. And now, no planning her funeral because it is done, it is over, she is gone.
I'm also one of those freaks that takes pictures at a funeral, so sorry if it freaks you out. It's part of how I cope.
I feel a huge void that I cannot pick up the phone and hear her voice. just a huge void. emptiness. loneliness. a feeling that life has changed and will never be quite as joyous or fun as it was. like a piece of me is missing. A sorrow that my son will not get to live his life with her in it. A sorrow that she is no longer in mine, in body at least. She knows all the answers now. I am comforted though that I know she is in heaven. That I will see her again, but my mind and body is selfish and I want her here with me now. Not sick, but like she was a year ago.
I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her funny expressions and happy eyes. Her hugs and love. I miss her.