Monday, October 19, 2009

FYI - cancer is the devil

Just so everyone knows the reason why I am not keeping up with my blog at this time is my mom is in the last stages of melanoma cancer. I along with my dad are taking care of her in the family home. This last week has been very trying. I am an only child and to say that Mom and me are close is an extreme understatement. I am struggling with not only the loss of my mom, but my best friend, my confidant, my biggest fan, my motivator, my teacher... the list goes on and on.

This aggressive cancer is stealing a piece of my heart a little each day. Tonight I thought I lost her. While in my arms, she had a seizure which wasn't like the others she had in July while in the hospital when she was first diagnosed. She went straight as a board, her eyes rolled back and looked vacantly upwards and she was not responsive to my words crying for "Mom" while I stroked her face and hair. She even stopped breathing for a few moments. I yelled for my dad and he came running upstairs and we were able to get her back in bed and she promptly fell asleep, exhausted from the episode. She later was able to open her eyes and moan a little when

You see, she has tumors all over her body now but most noticeably in her brain. It has robbed her of herself. Taken her from us. She is there... but not there. Coming in and out occasionally. Restless to the point of exhaustion, called "terminal restlessness". Which if you have never witnessed, I hope you never do. Thankfully she is not in pain. But the restlessness is a different kind of pain. A never ending relentless agony that is sometimes relieved for a short time by drugs like Ativan. But tonight, after the seizure, not even the Ativan is helping. We need something else, besides a miracle. That something else turns out to be Morphine. Delivered to the house in approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes and counting. I hope it will give her rest.

So now, here I wait, writing this, for my phone to ring with news... bad or good.

My phone just rang.. my dad freaking out a bit and telling me the nurse is on the way. She is laying on her belly and trying to go face first in the pillow and is now coughing up a bit of blood. This may be the peace that she is looking for and my gut clenches up with pain thinking of. I'm on my way.


  1. I knew by your absence that it must be near the end of your mother's struggle. At this point, the peace of the inevitable is most compelling. I'm so sorry you are going thru this for I know every step of your journey. As an only child, my mother was all the things you mentioned and I miss her every day. As I said before, this is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do, but you will not regret the care and love and being there for her until she crosses over to be with loved ones. It will give you peace and comfort to know you have done everything you could and she knows that too. I will be thinking of you and your family and praying for a peaceful end to your mother's suffering. Take care.....

  2. Thank you Janette, you were most helpful during this most difficult journey.


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