Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My last day in my 30's

The end of an era has arrived and now I am looking down the throat of a milestone. 40. The Big Four Oh. Tomorrow at precisely 10:17 am I came into this world 40 years ago. My dad always says well you are actually already in your 40th year... yeah, yeah Dad...

My dear mother always called me at the exact time and would tell me the story all over again, as how it was raining like crazy, thunderstorms and she stepped out of the car into a water puddle. How she was drugged, even though she gave natural child birth, she was in and out of it. I guess that's what they did back then. She had long beautiful hair, down to her waist and the nurses were all fussing about it, "what are we going to do with this hair?" She, in her drugged state, was terrified they would cut it off. They didn't.

I cannot believe I am at this major milestone in my life and she isn't here to share it with me in person. She is in my heart and on the tip of my tongue all the time, but she isn't here to laugh with and hug and tell her thank you. She would always make my most very favorite dessert for my birthday, Boston Creme Pie, and no one can make it like she did. Not even me, not that I won't try. She used an iron skillet to bake the cake in and came up with a magical concoction for the yummy rest. She's done that for as long as I can remember. I miss her terribly.

I have decided that in my 40's and forever more... I am going to do what I want to do to please myself and not care about pleasing everyone else, which I think most of us do. I'm not going to become this uncaring person, but I'm going to try to let myself be free to act the way I feel inside and dress the way I feel inside and not worry about my body not being the ideal size. I want to truly be myself and I think time is the only thing that will allow us to do that. To be true to oneself that is.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!

Shakespeare. He had it going on. Or at least he had a whole lot of meanings floating around and pretty ways to say them. Either way, I like this one for sure.

I'm not nearly as deep as this all sounds. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a jokester more than a deep thinker. But I do think deep sometimes... more now than ever. I think about life, death and my son and his life for the future. I think about how I wish things to be different but know that in 20 years or even less... things will be different. I think about how my mom lived just a few months longer than her mom and wonder if I too have the same fate and my son who is an only child will bury his mother at too young of an age.

Yes, 40 brings with it a certain freedom. Freedom from trying to be something I'm not and the freedom to re-create myself to what I hopefully will like. I like to think I'll be free with myself to be who I am in my heart... maybe I'll be like one of my most memorable and earliest influential art teachers, Mrs. Schenk, who was such a free spirit and obviously didn't care what anyone thought of her as she wistfully floated around the classroom with her scarves to "A Starry starry night". I hope I feel that sort of freedom.


  1. Hey Jaime, A VERY "HAPPY B.DAY" TO YOU :)

    (in my head I am singing it)

    Sorry your Mom isn't here to celebrate with you but I am sure she is with you in spirit.

    I think the 40's are the most powerful time in a woman's life, so more power to you :) T.

  2. Oh Jaime... wishing you a very happy birthday today, but moreso, wishing you a decade of freedom, of dancing with scarves(love that little story about the art teacher!!), of trusting your instinct to be who you really are, of appreciating your wonderful body for what it is, of complete and total reckoning with your heart and soul!

    That Shakespearean quote has always been one of my favorites and it holds such powerful truth. It is one to reflect on daily!

    And oh my gosh... I'm assuming that photo is you. It's gorgeous... I love how it's blurry... echoes the blur between our 30th and 40th years, how we often see ourselves, the waves of life we encounter, the changes that happen oh so slowly but surely until one day, we look at ourselves in the mirror and hopefully say... "I like who I've become." That's my wish for you, dear one.

  3. Happy Birthday Jaime!

    Here's to year 40! May it be not only a great day for you but a Fabulous year.
    Love that Shakespeare quote, I'm working on that myself. =)

    Happy Birthday tooooo yooou Happy Birthday tooo yooou, Happy Birthday to Jaime HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU!


    How exciting! You sure look yonger than 40 ;) ! Good luck with your cream pie!

  5. Happy Birthday Jaime! Love the photo....you are a beautiful 40! You know 40 is the "new 20" so kick up your heels, get a tatoo (maybe), enjoy life....this is not a rehearsal! I think your mother will be there with you on your birthday. I feel my mom around me at special times! Love is forever....even beyond our lives!

  6. Happy Birthday!!! you know age is merely a number...and what is important is how we feel and what we do...so enjoy each day and share in that joy with everyone you meet!!!

    Hope you enjoy every moment!!! and eat some cupcakes and cake for me!!!

  7. Thank you all for such sweet and heartfelt comments! I feel so lucky to have such great friends!

  8. As they say, the best is yet to come. Age is but a number. Live your life as you wish to truly live it. :) Theresa

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I love it that you are wanting to comment but please know that I have moved my current blog (this is the old host). You can now find me at www.jaimehaney.com/blog and leave a comment there. This very same post is on there, as I have picked up the whole kit and kaboodle and moved it. I hope to see you! Please come by and say howdy!


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