Happy Halloween!!

This video is from 2 years ago when Asher was one and a half. Happy Halloween everyone and make it a fun and safe one. Give out good treats so you won't get any tricks...

Garden of the Gods Sunday

Sunday in our area was just spectacular. If it weren't for those annoying little lady beetles that flock to you, I'd say it was perfect. My husband thought it would be a good day to drive around and see the fall leaves which are about peak here. I agreed it would be nice to escape for little while from all the sadness I've been feeling. So we went about 2 hours southwest of us to Southern Illinois to Garden of the Gods in The Shawnee National Forest. It's really kinda strange the way the land goes from being pretty flat to hilly to these cliffs. If you didn't know the park was there, you would pass it by because there is nothing from the highway to indicate what is beyond the small hills. We took Hwy 1 to get there. Passed the Old Slave House (which is now closed to the public). Then turned on Pounds Hollow Rd to get there.

It was not our first trip to the rocks, but the first time to see the leaves like this. The first time Daryl took me there, we took a picnic (we were romantic way back then) and ate on the many large boulders that abound. After we had been hiking around a bit I finally asked him "who painted all these rocks?" Well, he got a real hoot out of that. Turns out these rocks had moss growing on them. Not any kind of moss this then city girl had ever seen. He later told me he thought to himself that day "well she's not real smart, but she's pretty to look at". Hmmpf.

Anyway, a whole lot of other people thought it would be a great day to see it, too. It was as crowded as I had ever seen it. They used to let you propel off the rocks, but so many people have died or got hurt there that now it is not allowed. I just read in the paper maybe a month ago a woman fell to her death there.

After the short visit to Garden of the Gods, we got back on Hwy 1 and headed to the ferry. We were actually on a trip to Daryl's mom's house in Paducah, KY and took a couple bypasses on the way. We stopped at the Cave-in-Rock State Park before we took the ferry to Kentucky. I'll post about that tomorrow. Enjoy the pictures.

I buried my Beloved Mother today

I buried my mom today. I feel so much heartache and sorrow, but also kind of a let down... the kind you get after being so busy your head was spinning to having not much of anything to do.

We made arrangements on Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday I can't remember what I did... oh wait, yes I searched for the things I needed to take to the funeral home like a dress and the obituary that I wrote and mad searches for pictures, Thursday I did my mom's makeup, hair and nails (Yes, I did that, how could I not? it was the last thing I could do for her. To make her beautiful again for her tribute. not that it was hard, she was a beautiful woman) and put on her jewelry that she wanted and set up the room with gobs and gobs of pictures of her and the family over the years.

Today, Friday, we had both the visitation, service and burial. I'm a little pooped, but also feel like what now? I feel a huge void now that I have nothing to do for my mom, no feeding her, no giving her backrubs, no laughing together, no telling her I love her and looking into her eyes and seeing that she loved me back. And now, no planning her funeral because it is done, it is over, she is gone.

I'm also one of those freaks that takes pictures at a funeral, so sorry if it freaks you out. It's part of how I cope.

I feel a huge void that I cannot pick up the phone and hear her voice. just a huge void. emptiness. loneliness. a feeling that life has changed and will never be quite as joyous or fun as it was. like a piece of me is missing. A sorrow that my son will not get to live his life with her in it. A sorrow that she is no longer in mine, in body at least. She knows all the answers now. I am comforted though that I know she is in heaven. That I will see her again, but my mind and body is selfish and I want her here with me now. Not sick, but like she was a year ago.

I miss her laugh. I miss her voice. I miss her funny expressions and happy eyes. Her hugs and love. I miss her.

She is gone

My dear sweet mother left this world to be with Jesus today. At 10:50 am central time, my life ceased to exist as I knew it. She drew her last breath while I held her in my arms and caressed and kissed her sweet face. Words cannot describe the grief and deep pain and loneliness I feel at this time.

Lula Brannon

64 years old

The only solace I have is that I will see her again in heaven. I will meet her in the sky.

FYI - cancer is the devil

Just so everyone knows the reason why I am not keeping up with my blog at this time is my mom is in the last stages of melanoma cancer. I along with my dad are taking care of her in the family home. This last week has been very trying. I am an only child and to say that Mom and me are close is an extreme understatement. I am struggling with not only the loss of my mom, but my best friend, my confidant, my biggest fan, my motivator, my teacher... the list goes on and on.

This aggressive cancer is stealing a piece of my heart a little each day. Tonight I thought I lost her. While in my arms, she had a seizure which wasn't like the others she had in July while in the hospital when she was first diagnosed. She went straight as a board, her eyes rolled back and looked vacantly upwards and she was not responsive to my words crying for "Mom" while I stroked her face and hair. She even stopped breathing for a few moments. I yelled for my dad and he came running upstairs and we were able to get her back in bed and she promptly fell asleep, exhausted from the episode. She later was able to open her eyes and moan a little when

You see, she has tumors all over her body now but most noticeably in her brain. It has robbed her of herself. Taken her from us. She is there... but not there. Coming in and out occasionally. Restless to the point of exhaustion, called "terminal restlessness". Which if you have never witnessed, I hope you never do. Thankfully she is not in pain. But the restlessness is a different kind of pain. A never ending relentless agony that is sometimes relieved for a short time by drugs like Ativan. But tonight, after the seizure, not even the Ativan is helping. We need something else, besides a miracle. That something else turns out to be Morphine. Delivered to the house in approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes and counting. I hope it will give her rest.

So now, here I wait, writing this, for my phone to ring with news... bad or good.

My phone just rang.. my dad freaking out a bit and telling me the nurse is on the way. She is laying on her belly and trying to go face first in the pillow and is now coughing up a bit of blood. This may be the peace that she is looking for and my gut clenches up with pain thinking of. I'm on my way.

Tuesday the 13th

Today was a hard day and I have to wonder how much exactly can I handle? Usually 13 is my lucky number and I guess in a way today I was lucky because I made it through and it's almost the 14th.

Short and sweet

I don't have much to say today except it's a Snicker's kinda night. Chocolatey nugat yumminess here I come.

That's me on the left with my friend Jody. Check out my high school days look in my gold sunglasses. That was about 1987ish and yep, I had shoes and a purse to match. back when gold sunglasses and shoes were normally worn by old women. I've usually marched to my own tune, albeit sometimes a little off-tune. ;)

Crisp Autumn Day

I went to a craft show today and saw a lot of Halloween crafts being bought. But I also saw a lot of stuff that looked like it was just "assembled" and called a craft. By the size of the show, which was way down from what I remember it being, I'm guessing they are allowing just about anybody in that has their $35 or whatever it costs for a booth there. I'm not sure that some of the stuff I saw would be considered "hand crafted", it looked like it belonged more in a flea market. But I did see a lot of great hand made items. There are so many creative people in this world it just surprises me that we buy junk mass marketed to us and made in China. I wish more people would support these crafters, artists and dreamers (including me!). We offer a much more personal product than anything made in China.

Enjoy the pictures of my little "girl" Banshee Wayne, a Siberian Husky. A real sweetie. She is 10 and a half years old and is the happiest dog in the world since we moved out in the country 5 years ago and she has free reign to run anywhere she pleases. That's why she looks a little less than show quality :) she makes use of the fields and woods. haha